Isolating my Mental Health

Everything I’ve read so far on how to recover from trauma suggests going to a safe place in your mind from before the trauma, but I don’t have one, I don’t know where it is or how to get there as the abuse I endured started during pregnancy. I’ve no memory of feeling safe, there are times I let my guard down, but that’s not the same; is it?

I was never safe at home, but I also wasn’t safe in school, youth club, streets, with friends, other family members or on my own because I was always acutely aware of the consequences of discussing home-life outside the house. I grew up in an abusive home, but I didn’t know it was abusive. There were no marks, no bruises, well not before adolescence from what I can remember. There is some base level where I feel I must have been aware of my upbringing because as much as I was able to I treated my own children differently, but on a conscious level I’m really struggling to accept how my mother treated me.

I know I am a good person who does good things. I know I’m a good parent who sets a good example. I know I’m a good partner because I respect their autonomy. I know I’m a good friend because I never bullshit. I know I’m clever, feisty, caring, creative, mindful, empathetic, loving, determined, thrifty, sex positive, trustworthy, honest, playful and a bit Impish heh because of the energy I project and what I receive in return. It’s not that I don’t know my self-worth, don’t have or feel it. I am too scared of what could happen to my emotional well-being therefore isolating myself is my best defence, except I’m feeling more lonely now than I did during my time living near Newcastle. Reaching out makes me feel icky and reinforces the message I grew up with, I’m difficult to love and my mother is the only one who ever fully will so be suspicious of those who claim to; which, unfortunately, I do without any conscious effort.

I know am doing everything I can to correct or accept my behaviour & thoughts that requires realigning, but it’s hard because I don’t always have the resources to deal with any of it which leads to more isolation. I find it difficult to ask for support because I feel like a burden. I feel burdensome because of how folk react towards me when I do reach out; hypocrisy, invalidating comments (snap out of it, you have such a beautiful family, at least you have your health – the latter causing the biggest emotional turmoil and upset of all), then of course the energy/spoons used by either trying to educate or ignore the behaviour depending on who displayed it.