Overwhelming Emotional Response

Overwhelming Emotional Response

I had this really daft idea in my wee heid; cut all contact with the source of abuse, reconnect with those I lost and the pain will go away…

HA!

I completed my psychotherapy assessment and their report caused an overwhelming emotional response, but it will not defeat me because they never fucking listened. I sat there for 3 full sessions while he made interested type noises, looked horrified in all the right places and then gets it all fucking wrong when repeating it back in the letter that suggests how he thinks I should continue my journey…aye, ye know what? Fuck that! Yes, I might be a vulnerable adult, but at the very least you could have paid attention, but instead you got me and my history all fucking wrong.

Just an example; the doctors confirmed my first pregnancy before my birthday in September, Shannon was born at the end of November…but that somehow equals a fortnight? There are loads of other errors like that throughout the report, recollecting my first pregnancy causes little angst in comparison to the rest of his mistakes documented in black and white.

Do they not realise the damage they do when they dismiss a patient’s life story or do they just not care? If they don’t care, why are they in a “caring profession” in the first place? I know the CYPS (CAMHS) worker who was part of the wee yins’ autism diagnosis procedure doesn’t understand the lack of care within the NHS either.

My mother spent a good part of my life telling me I’d be in care or institutionalised if it wasn’t for her…she terrified me, but not necessarily always in the way that I’d jump if she was near. I need to know why it all happened, but I know I never will. The thing is; have I always been *wrong* or did her treatment cause those feelings? Did she treat me how she did because I was born *wrong*? My apologies if my use of the word *wrong* is offending you, but I don’t know a better word. In fact, I rarely know better words I can use; despite a regular punishment being to read/copy the dictionary and/or thesaurus depending whichever was close to hand.

I often feel stupid. More times than not I use the wrong words the wrong way round and they offend; even those who know and understand I’m terrible with words have difficulties not getting upset. It’s such a hellish cycle; feel stupid ~ add words ~ feel more stupid ~ need explanation ~ add more feelings of stupidity ~ then need a more child-friendly explanation ~ make third-party feel bad because I’m now in frustrated tears through feelings of stupidity as even the child-friendly version didn’t make sense and the kind soul who offered help begins to believe it’s them, when it’s not!

The thing is I do feel an awful lot like a child a lot of the time; I feel safest when I’m receiving direction. Crossing roads, using public transport, talking to strangers, talking on the phone, etc all result in my mental health being affected by panic attacks, meltdowns and/or shutdowns, the expected mess isn’t always predictable and sometimes I manage perfectly well with no adverse effects.

I have a good grasp on where I need to work to feel better, I have also facilitated a new wellness coach to work with from the end of this month, so I am all set to kick my arse into gear while I wait to find out what mental health services are accessible to me, I have my first appointment as a new patient on Friday.

I am really missing my weekly smoothie with Lysanne though. Why do I find it so difficult to ask friends if they’d like to meet up for a day out? I mean, isn’t that why I moved home, to have friends near enough I can socialise with? I wish I could make sense of my Alice brain, I really do.

This list is really just for me to keep track of what I still need to do, but if you’re able to help, I doubt I’ll say no.

  • Apply for my Blue Badge
  • Apply for my National Entitlement Card
  • Find out about learning disability assessment
  • Visit B&Q to buy paint, etc
  • Request consultant referrals to pain management service, podiatry, dietitian, mental health, dermatology & probably forgetting some…

I wonder how often these musings make any sense if at all, because they rarely do when I’m reading them back…

Anyhoo, what I wanted to say, but haven’t…I’m stronger than I feel.

  • Regan Low

    As someone who has studied a bit of psychology, two things immediately jump out at me.
    1. When you spend your childhood being told you are wrong for any independent thoughts/actions, it’s not really surprising that you struggle with independent thoughts/actions. You were criticised when you didn’t follow directions, ergo you are at your most comfortable when following directions. You’ve been conditioned that way.
    2. As you have always been told you are ‘wrong’, you will always wonder why on earth anyone would want to be your friend. If your own mum thinks you are worthless then why would anyone else think differently? And if that’s the case then they surely won’t want to meet up for a drink so you won’t even bother asking. You’ve been conditioned that way too.
    So, what do you do about it? Sadly, there isn’t an easy fix. Working on self-esteem helps but that’s easier said than done. When I was in counselling, my CPN asked me to have my close friends write me a list of 10 things they liked about me. Nikki wrote about 30…Sam was not far off that. Those lists made me laugh, they made me cry and then they made me think. I still sometimes wonder why the hell anyone would want to like me but I can look at those lists when I feel really dark.
    I don’t know if any of this will help…maybe seeing my two points in black and white might give you food for thought…or maybe you too might find lists helpful. If they help, awesome….if not then i’ll happily bounce other ideas with you. Believe it or not I happen to think you are worth the effort.