The Soul Seeking Mission of 2015

soul seeking mission

Well it’s that time of year, time to reflect over the last twelve months. The thing is, I’ve spent the last year reflecting upon my new truths which have brought down decades of intricate lies, so in a summary of 5 words for the CBA:

  • Terrifying
  • Incredible
  • Eye-opening
  • Encouraging
  • Thought-provoking

The decisions I made during the last year led to a number of facts reaching the surface. I am certain I made the right choice for myself and my family. I have only half-ended the cycle of abuse. My teenage-grown-up children are still in contact, still being abused and I can’t physically stop it. I’ve given them survival tools instead, tools I didn’t have or even know about until recently. I could list everything a person could do to help someone else recognise emotional abuse, but I won’t because there are plenty of really helpful resources already available, which I’ve listed at the bottom. If you need immediate help and you live in the UK, please dial 111 instead. 

Through this journey, I have learned that my health problems and issues with food are not a new thing, they were instead simply dismissed as “hypochondria”, “seeking attention” or “all in my imagination”. I was so oblivious to the abuse I received that when I became a mum for the first couple of times, it was her lead I took. I’m only learning now how wrong that was and doing everything I can to make amends for past mistakes.

I keep dismissing myself as being depressed because I don’t meet the printed NHS criteria of requiring help because I function, but the fact is I’ve never not felt depressed, I just wasn’t aware that I how I feel isn’t healthy. It doesn’t help that the NHS also keep dismissing me because I function with day-to-day tasks like washing, dressing, caring for my children and not trying to harm myself. I am *patiently* waiting for my first counselling appointment with MIND and due to my sensitivities I refuse dosing with antidepressants, I don’t care how much they’ve helped your neighbour’s friend’s grandmother’s fifth cousin twice removed. Chemicals and I do not mix, trust me you wouldn’t like the result! 😉 #snigger

As you can imagine this has been a roller-coaster ride, but I’m learning and trying to accept an incredible amount about myself. I think I have cried more in 2015 than any other time in my life, the tears have been worth it though. This past year might have been difficult, but it has been GOOD.

2015 has been good because

  • I reconnected with family.
  • I reconnected with friends.
  • I started receiving treatment for my health issues.
  • My relationship with my children is stronger than ever.
  • I was proactive in improving my well-being.

2016 will be better because I’m getting emotionally stronger and more confident every day!

Farewell 2015, Happy Hogmanay & Best Wishes for 2016!


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