OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
I wish I was kidding, but my nearest & dearest know better. I become so obsessed with organising things, that it’s incredibly rare I ever start the task, never mind finish it. The NHS, don’t see my issues as a problem, because I am still able to manage daily; I get out of bed each morning, I keep up my personal hygiene, I don’t avoid social activities, etc.
Two years ago I received support from Occupational Therapy to learn how to pace my activities and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to learn how to deal with giving up my full-time job as a headless chicken. I’m learning I was more functional regardless of how overwhelmed I felt. Unfortunately Fibromyalgia and its associated symptoms play a huge part in my life whether I like it or not.
I’ve not been able to translate any of those skills into removing the want to organise everything properly. The issue is still omnipresent and I’m still in the depths of hell. I feel like clutter surrounds me and I have no way of storing it neatly.
I feel a lot like Alice. I know what’s expected of me, I know what I want/need to do, but then that blasted Cheshire cat or obnoxious rabbit appear and off I go….if I was to let you see the amount of “works in progress” lying around my various devices you’d want to kick me.
I’ve included the following list, to give a little insight into what my family and I live with.
It’s easier to understand why I tend to forget about some of the less important things (hobbies, etc.) when I remember to take everything else into consideration, however, just because it’s easier doesn’t mean I feel any better about it.
I think I have too many interests, but I can’t switch them off or make them queue in an orderly fashion. My mind feels full and I can’t contain my ideas long enough to put them in action or make sense of them. This is the closest I’ve ever been to expressing how my creativity makes me feel when I feel less than inspired.
I have tried to put my hobbies into a schedule, part of the OT/CBT skills I learned, but it’s left me in a nasty wee cycle. Fibromyalgia doesn’t care what skills I’ve learned to better deal with its effects. Fibromyalgia is a cockroach and trying to beat it is as likely as remembering my birth.
- Normal pre-diagnosis behaviour = no change
- Learned post-therapy behaviour = no change
- Equal amounts of mobility and rest = no change
- All rest with little mobility = no change
However, what I’ve succeeded in doing is making myself feel bad, because the physical and cognitive limitations of my ailments prevent me from doing some of the things that I want to do. I am then thrown into a downward spiral, because I pay more mind to the negative. Yes, I know what I’m doing, but I don’t know how to stop without support.
The problem is irony. I have enough belief in my ability to wing it, but not enough to challenge my negative thoughts, so I have this idea;
- learn new things,
- boost confidence,
- increase self-belief,
- end negative thoughts,
but I can’t help but wonder where the spiral will appear 🙁