I Grow as I Heal

I used to see myself as articulate, but recently I lack the words to express how I feel.

I peeked so far into the rabbit hole that I fell in, and now there’s no changing the truth no matter how much I want to return to the belief of having a “normal” childhood.

At the end of last year it became clear that I had to end contact with my mother after a string of events lead to me discovering that her behaviour wasn’t nurturing, but abusive.

There were only a couple of people who seen through her, but she taught me from an early age to take anything they said with a pinch of salt. Actively and repeatedly told not to believe certain people; my Brother, Nana, Dad (#1HP), Uncle Bobby, Aunt Irene or her children. The list of people not to believe or trust got longer  as I got older, but at no point did I question her motives. I believed her.

For each time she avoided the consequences of her actions it reaffirmed her control.

After her second divorce, she faced her greatest fear; abandonment, so she took drastic measures because she believed my Dad (Roy) was going to expose her, so she poisoned me against him, then used my vulnerabilities to her advantage.

Which is why in the end it was easier to cut us off from everything we knew, allowing some to believe I was either sectioned, locked up or dead.

The signs were always there, but I only noticed when her mask slipped off, then with hindsight, counselling and education it was crystal clear.

I’ve learned a lot, I’m also still processing, but I am okay and I am getting stronger & emotionally healthier everyday because I;

  • try to let the positive outshine the negative
  • reflect & meditate
  • ask for help & accept it when it’s offered
  • continue to trust

I urge anyone in a dark place to seek help, even when you’re sure you can manage alone, it is beyond comforting to have someone there to lend a shoulder. I feel blessed to have such supportive friends & family who are encouraging me as I heal & grow. However there have been times where I didn’t feel I could burden them, so looked elsewhere instead;